I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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