A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
