I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
