The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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