I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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