Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
