Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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