i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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