The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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