dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
