I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize