I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
