He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Houston, we have a blender
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
