Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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