Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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