I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
