Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
