Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
