Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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