I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
