I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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