You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
