She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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