I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
