The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
