I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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