Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
