someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
