Me too!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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