Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize