Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
God, I missed his penis.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize