i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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