that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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