your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
