there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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