so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
