I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
