Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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