I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
