false alarm. still invincible.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
