my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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