where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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