The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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