Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
