I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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