I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
