we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
