I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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