I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
