That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
