she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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