This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
