I'm gonna have a badass scar
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
