I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
