Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
