I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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