Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
