Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
