Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize