Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
